Jazlin's Theme...Thanks Mariah :)

Close My Eyes


Verse 1
I was a wayward child 
With the weight of the world
That I held deep inside
Life was a winding road
And I learned many things
Little ones shouldn't know

Chorus 1
But I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raised my head to the sky
And let times roll by
Still I feel like that child 
As I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up a little too soon

Verse 2
Funny how one can learn 
To grow numb to the madness 
And block it away
I left the worst unsaid
Let it all dissipate
And I try to forget

Chorus 2
As I close my eyes
Steady my feet on the ground
Raise my head to the sky
And let time roll by
Still I feel like a child 
As I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up a little too soon

Bridge
Nearing the edge
Oblivious I almost
Fell right over 
A part of me
Will never be quite able
To feel stable
That woman-child feeling inside
Was on the verge of fading 
Thankfully I 
Woke up in time

Verse 3
Guardian angel I
Sail away on an ocean 
With you by my side
orange clouds roll by 
They burn into your image 
And you're still alive
(You're always alive)

Chorus 3
As I close my eyes 
Steady my feet on the ground 
Raise my head to the sky
And though time rolls by 
Still I feel like a child 
As I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up a little too soon..


-Mariah Carey-

I'm Sorry For Everything...

I hate when you ignore me,

and  the way you make me sad,

I hate it when you're being unfair,

and when you make me mad,

I hate it when you're angry ,

or whenever we argue,

I hate it when you're not with me,

because i can't stop thinking about you,,

I hate the way you’re always right,

I hate it when you lie,

I hate it when you make me smile and then when you make me cry...

but with all the things that i do hate,

you're still everything that i love,

nothing about you is imperfect, 

you fit my life like a glove,

i know i've made you unhappy too,

and i wish i could change that, 

all i want you to know,

is that i fell in love with you from the first day we met...

You're the sound that my heart makes,

and you're the same sound when it breaks,

and i still i promise my heart  to you,

for as long as it takes...

i love you sayang..

and sorry for everything...

Petals, Mariah Carey

This song always makes me feel better. it showed that i'm not the only one who goes through a difficult life...

Mariah Carey's Rainbow Album

I've often wondered if there's 
Ever been a perfect family 
I've always longed for undividedness 
And sought stability 

A flower taught me how to pray 
But as I grew, that flower changed 
She started flailing in the wind 
Like golden petals scattering 

CHORUS 1: 
And I miss you dandelion 
And even love you 
And I wish there was a way 
For me to trust you 
But it hurts me every time 
I try to touch you 

But I miss you dandelion 
And even love you 

I gravitated towards a patriarch 
So young predictably 
I was resigned to spend my life 
Within a maze of misery 

A boy and girl befriended me 
We're bonded through despondency 
I stayed so long but finally 
I fled to save my sanity 

CHORUS 2: 
And I miss you little sis and 
Little brother 
And I hope you realize 
I'll always love you 
And although you're struggling 
You will recover 
And I miss you little sis and 
Little brother 

So many I considered 
Closest to me 
Turned on a dime and sold me 
Out dutifully 
Although that knife was chipping 
Away at me 
They turned their eyes away and 
Went home to sleep ... 

CHORUS 3: 
And I missed a lot of life 
But I'll recover 
Though I know you really like 
To see me suffer 
Still I wish that you and I'd 
Forgive each other 
'Cause I miss you, Valentine 
And really loved you 

I really loved you - 
I tried so hard 
But you drove me away 
To preserve my sanity - 

And I found the strength to break away 
Fly..

I Surrender...

i put myself in a sense of surrender. i don't know where i am and what am i suppose to represent in this world. i lost purpose a while back. not knowing what exactly that was lacking in my life...

i went through a great deal of pain in the past. Pain that i can't show or tell publicly. i have kept this dark secret all to myself..and the only other half of me who knows is God...

the reason i write such pain is not to gain sympathy from others, but to remind myself of what exactly that i need to do to...how to mend myself  and make me right again..

life broke me at an early age...and don't get me wrong. never have i blamed God for putting me in such a position. Never will i ever blame God for giving me the life that i have, regardless of how painful life can be. i use to think why is that other people can have what they want. Why is it some people can live with great joy..and be flawless and encouraging. I can never be encouraging..and i am not flawless..

i am not even close to being perfect. when i look in the mirror, i only see an ugly duckling waiting for the right moment to change to a beautiful swan. and i mean that on the inside as well on the outside. i try my best to believe that i am beautiful, as God as attended me to be...but every time i try to convince myself..i always fall short..i always disappoint myself. no matter how hard i try..i always end up failing...

i am a failure..

i know there's so many things in my life that i can be thankful for. i have a great family, although dysfunctional but they love me. i constantly argue with my mother about the little-lest things, but i adore her with all my heart. we don't really see each other eye to eye, we don't agree about most things...but my purpose in life is to take care of her. regardless of how difficult it will be on me.

as for my father, i love him dearly. he is my hero, the love of my life. No one can compare to what he has done fro me. every daughter in this world would be proud to have a father like him. he may not be the best husband but he is a great dad and i would do anything for him...

and my sister? yes she annoys me and yes...she is the apple of my mother's eye. although we don't see eye to eye as well, i try my best to just be a good sister. i don't really call her much or talk to her. i don't really tell her i love you to her as often as i should, but i do love her...in a sister-rival kind of way...

and then there are friends, who have a special place in my heart. they are what keeps me going everyday. knowing that i have people i can trust my soul with...is comforting. they make my life a hell of a lot easier to bare.

and i also have the man in my life whom i appreciate so much. i've always prayed for his existence, and regardless of how imperfect i am, God still gave him to me..i don't know where the relationship will go..or how it will end..i just know that i see a future with him..but that's not up to me to decide. I trust fate and I trust God. What ever He decides to give or take from me...is a decision i will accept..

i also have a great job that i just love doing...how many people in this world who can say that they have a job that they love? a hand full i suppose...maybe less..and there's also rainbows, butterflies, the wind and cloud..the blue sky and the clear ocean..beautiful beaches...wonderful people..poetry..cute little kittens..and so on...so many different things to be thankful for..and yet here i am...sitting here at my father's desk..

crying..

why? i don't know. i just know that my heart is weak and it just can't take anymore complications for the moment. i feel like i just want to leave everything and disappear. Disappear from the world and be invincible so that no one can find me and when they got tired of searching..they'll just stop looking for me. and when they do, i just want to watch from afar how their lives moves forward and how happy they are without me  in their lives...

last night i went to an event with my girlfriends at Jalan P-Ramlee. it was suppose to be a fun night, but somehow i just don't know how to have fun anymore.. i remembered back in the day where everything makes me happy..any event.. anyone. even if it was just me with a good book at home..is enough to make me happy..

but now? now everything is just so complicated..everything just seem to be pointless... i was out with the girls watching the night life of Kuala Lumpur...and all i could think about is getting home..i just wanted to go home..and i did, arrived at my father's place at 3.00am. washed my make-up, changed my clothes and jumped into bed...

and before i laid myself to sleep, i called someone whom i truly love...just to tell him i was okay..

and i fell asleep..hoping that today will be better...that my life would be okay..

i don't know how the day will end..

but rest assured that all i want to do...is just be with You..

lailahaillah...

Over and Over Again...

Bukan selalu, bukan sekali..

Not once…not at all…

Am I making sense? Not really, just ramblings of a female mind trying to find meaning to everyday life. It’s difficult to neither comprehend, nor accept the fact that it life is just unpredictable. Having to repeat the same things over and over again, and waiting for a different result each time. I find it stressful to wait for an answer to something that I’ve routinely repeated over and over again…

Over and over again…

But there is one thing that I’ve yet to find a chore to repeat. A routine that I willingly let myself venture into regardless of risks that may or may not arise. There is one thing that I don’t mind letting myself accept its unpredictability-ness..if there exist such a word…

The one thing that I don’t mind doing…over and over again…

Is falling in love…

And I will let myself fall in love as many times as life lets me…

Even if it means falling in love with the same person…

Over and over again…

siti

I’ve never had the experience of falling in love with the same person more than once. Usually it’s the initial attraction that leads me to love and later, the feeling just slowly lingers without purpose or meaning. With time, the feeling seems to spread out to another person..and then another…and then another..

I’ve heard of stories from others, especially elders who managed to maintain a marriage for many, many years. Some have been married for more than 20 years and are still happy with each other. I once asked them how they managed to be so happy in a marriage, and the answer was almost always the same...

they learned to love each other and each time they saw a new personality with their spouse, they learn to love it…

and ended up falling in love with it…

so for the years they were together, the fell in love with each other..over and over again…
I’ve always wanted to know how it feels like to fall in love with the same person…over and over again…

Alhamdullilah..now i know what it feels like :)