ramblings of the heart

i lack talent..

i lack experience..

but i'm willing to learn..

i lack discipline..

physically imperfect..

heartache..

soul searching..still searching..

I am in love..

with Allah s.w.t..

truly in love..

wanting to change..only for HIM..

waiting for the moment...

to gain HIS trust...

I am imperfect..

forever weak..

forever walk in the depth of despair..

unknowingly...

fearful..

but with faith of survival..

although sometimes fallen from YOUR grace..

I am only human..

I am weaker than any being..

but stronger in believing..

I am human..

I am weaker than any being..

but stronger in believing..

in nothing else but YOU..

i wish he was here...

you most loved Prophet..

i wish he was here..to help us with life..

oh i envy those who lived by you..

while you lived..they gained everything..

Oh i miss you ya Rasulullah s.a.w

for i wish you were here with us right now..

telling us that everything will be okay..

For i miss you..

For i am weak..

For i need you..

For all i have now is your shalawat.. 

All i have is now..is your shawalat..

Selamat Berpuasa

Alhamdulillah...

I've given another chance to perform my puasa ibadah this year. Alhamdulllah..ini adalah puasa kedua yang saya sambut dengan Shamsur. Bersyukur sungguh dengan segala pemberian Ilahi. Banyak perkara yang tak pernah sangka berlaku dalam hidup saya..tahun ini berlaku satu per satu...

I am blessed that Allah showed, guided and provided me with the reality of my life. Now i know what to expect and at least how to find a solution for it. I am blessed with everything he has given me..and i will work hard to be a better khalifah in years to come..

InsyaAllah...dengan izin Allah niat baik tahun ini bakal menjadi kenyataan. But i believe in my heart, that we; me and Shamsur, will have to ask from HIM everyday to give strength, give us guidance and a chance to be united in matrimony.

Masa dah berubah...saya dah berubah..sekarang kehidupan ini hanyalah untuk memperoleh keberkatan Ilahi. Dahulu saya langsung tidak faham maksud itu, sekarang, alhamdulillah...dengan niat untuk menjalankan ibadah dan sunnah  bersama Shamsur, dan di bulan yang amat mulia ini, tiada lain yang saya kejar melainkan keberkatan-Nya.

It's as if nothing in this world mattered if God is not with me. I can never imagine if God ever left me..forgot about me..hated me. The feeling is similar, even greater than the feeling i feel without Shamsur in my life,,

Alhamdulillah he understands that cintaku hanya pada yang satu..but seluruh hidupku hanya akan dikongsi dengan kamu :) i love you sayang..

Regards.

Nak Kahwin Dah...

surprised? yes..so am i..never thought that we would finally be getting married. i love him very much..the best thing about our relationship is that we know each other's flaw..and choose to accept it..choose to take responsibility for it..choose to just "redha" with everything..

i'm not saying that we have the most perfect relationship..we are only human..we are flawed. But everyone deserves a second chance..and if you have faith in them..they will change for the better.

I have faith in both him..and HIM. i know in my heart that both him...and HIM will take care of me. Aku cuma boleh berdoa and redha dengan masa depan yang bakal tiba. Apa pun yang mungkin berlaku...aku terima dengan ingatan tulus ikhlas kepada Allah..

insyaAllah impian yang selama ini ku impikan akan dimakbulkan..

i love you Shamsur..kita doalah sama-sama ok.. :)

If Eyes Can See..

it's been awhile since I've been inspired..

by life..

by love..

by the world and its existence..

no one knows what i truly feel..

the love..

the shame..

the loyalty remains..

they look at me and only see abandonment,

if not that..then maybe resentment...

but i worry only for the forsaken..

not of them but more of me..

no one know how much i miss HIM..

but awaits the time where the soul is redeemed..

i wish so hard..so it won't die..

none made it worth the uncanny lie..

but i put faith in faith..as where it should be..

to have faith in HIM, in you..and in me..

yours truly,

Jazlin

The Charge Of The Light Brigade

The Charge Of The Light Brigade

by Alfred, Lord Tennyson Memorializing Events in the Battle of Balaclava, October 25, 1854
Written 1854


Half a league half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred:
'Forward, the Light Brigade!
Charge for the guns' he said:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

'Forward, the Light Brigade!'
Was there a man dismay'd ?
Not tho' the soldier knew
Some one had blunder'd:
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do & die,
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon in front of them
Volley'd & thunder'd;
Storm'd at with shot and shell,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
Rode the six hundred.

Flash'd all their sabres bare,
Flash'd as they turn'd in air
Sabring the gunners there,
Charging an army while
All the world wonder'd:
Plunged in the battery-smoke
Right thro' the line they broke;
Cossack & Russian
Reel'd from the sabre-stroke,
Shatter'd & sunder'd.
Then they rode back, but not
Not the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon behind them
Volley'd and thunder'd;
Storm'd at with shot and shell,
While horse & hero fell,
They that had fought so well
Came thro' the jaws of Death,
Back from the mouth of Hell,
All that was left of them,
Left of six hundred.

When can their glory fade?
O the wild charge they made!
All the world wonder'd.
Honour the charge they made!
Honour the Light Brigade,
Noble six hundred!   

i love this poem..

Jazlin's Theme...Thanks Mariah :)

Close My Eyes


Verse 1
I was a wayward child 
With the weight of the world
That I held deep inside
Life was a winding road
And I learned many things
Little ones shouldn't know

Chorus 1
But I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raised my head to the sky
And let times roll by
Still I feel like that child 
As I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up a little too soon

Verse 2
Funny how one can learn 
To grow numb to the madness 
And block it away
I left the worst unsaid
Let it all dissipate
And I try to forget

Chorus 2
As I close my eyes
Steady my feet on the ground
Raise my head to the sky
And let time roll by
Still I feel like a child 
As I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up a little too soon

Bridge
Nearing the edge
Oblivious I almost
Fell right over 
A part of me
Will never be quite able
To feel stable
That woman-child feeling inside
Was on the verge of fading 
Thankfully I 
Woke up in time

Verse 3
Guardian angel I
Sail away on an ocean 
With you by my side
orange clouds roll by 
They burn into your image 
And you're still alive
(You're always alive)

Chorus 3
As I close my eyes 
Steady my feet on the ground 
Raise my head to the sky
And though time rolls by 
Still I feel like a child 
As I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up a little too soon..


-Mariah Carey-

Petals, Mariah Carey

This song always makes me feel better. it showed that i'm not the only one who goes through a difficult life...

Mariah Carey's Rainbow Album

I've often wondered if there's 
Ever been a perfect family 
I've always longed for undividedness 
And sought stability 

A flower taught me how to pray 
But as I grew, that flower changed 
She started flailing in the wind 
Like golden petals scattering 

CHORUS 1: 
And I miss you dandelion 
And even love you 
And I wish there was a way 
For me to trust you 
But it hurts me every time 
I try to touch you 

But I miss you dandelion 
And even love you 

I gravitated towards a patriarch 
So young predictably 
I was resigned to spend my life 
Within a maze of misery 

A boy and girl befriended me 
We're bonded through despondency 
I stayed so long but finally 
I fled to save my sanity 

CHORUS 2: 
And I miss you little sis and 
Little brother 
And I hope you realize 
I'll always love you 
And although you're struggling 
You will recover 
And I miss you little sis and 
Little brother 

So many I considered 
Closest to me 
Turned on a dime and sold me 
Out dutifully 
Although that knife was chipping 
Away at me 
They turned their eyes away and 
Went home to sleep ... 

CHORUS 3: 
And I missed a lot of life 
But I'll recover 
Though I know you really like 
To see me suffer 
Still I wish that you and I'd 
Forgive each other 
'Cause I miss you, Valentine 
And really loved you 

I really loved you - 
I tried so hard 
But you drove me away 
To preserve my sanity - 

And I found the strength to break away 
Fly..

I Surrender...

i put myself in a sense of surrender. i don't know where i am and what am i suppose to represent in this world. i lost purpose a while back. not knowing what exactly that was lacking in my life...

i went through a great deal of pain in the past. Pain that i can't show or tell publicly. i have kept this dark secret all to myself..and the only other half of me who knows is God...

the reason i write such pain is not to gain sympathy from others, but to remind myself of what exactly that i need to do to...how to mend myself  and make me right again..

life broke me at an early age...and don't get me wrong. never have i blamed God for putting me in such a position. Never will i ever blame God for giving me the life that i have, regardless of how painful life can be. i use to think why is that other people can have what they want. Why is it some people can live with great joy..and be flawless and encouraging. I can never be encouraging..and i am not flawless..

i am not even close to being perfect. when i look in the mirror, i only see an ugly duckling waiting for the right moment to change to a beautiful swan. and i mean that on the inside as well on the outside. i try my best to believe that i am beautiful, as God as attended me to be...but every time i try to convince myself..i always fall short..i always disappoint myself. no matter how hard i try..i always end up failing...

i am a failure..

i know there's so many things in my life that i can be thankful for. i have a great family, although dysfunctional but they love me. i constantly argue with my mother about the little-lest things, but i adore her with all my heart. we don't really see each other eye to eye, we don't agree about most things...but my purpose in life is to take care of her. regardless of how difficult it will be on me.

as for my father, i love him dearly. he is my hero, the love of my life. No one can compare to what he has done fro me. every daughter in this world would be proud to have a father like him. he may not be the best husband but he is a great dad and i would do anything for him...

and my sister? yes she annoys me and yes...she is the apple of my mother's eye. although we don't see eye to eye as well, i try my best to just be a good sister. i don't really call her much or talk to her. i don't really tell her i love you to her as often as i should, but i do love her...in a sister-rival kind of way...

and then there are friends, who have a special place in my heart. they are what keeps me going everyday. knowing that i have people i can trust my soul with...is comforting. they make my life a hell of a lot easier to bare.

and i also have the man in my life whom i appreciate so much. i've always prayed for his existence, and regardless of how imperfect i am, God still gave him to me..i don't know where the relationship will go..or how it will end..i just know that i see a future with him..but that's not up to me to decide. I trust fate and I trust God. What ever He decides to give or take from me...is a decision i will accept..

i also have a great job that i just love doing...how many people in this world who can say that they have a job that they love? a hand full i suppose...maybe less..and there's also rainbows, butterflies, the wind and cloud..the blue sky and the clear ocean..beautiful beaches...wonderful people..poetry..cute little kittens..and so on...so many different things to be thankful for..and yet here i am...sitting here at my father's desk..

crying..

why? i don't know. i just know that my heart is weak and it just can't take anymore complications for the moment. i feel like i just want to leave everything and disappear. Disappear from the world and be invincible so that no one can find me and when they got tired of searching..they'll just stop looking for me. and when they do, i just want to watch from afar how their lives moves forward and how happy they are without me  in their lives...

last night i went to an event with my girlfriends at Jalan P-Ramlee. it was suppose to be a fun night, but somehow i just don't know how to have fun anymore.. i remembered back in the day where everything makes me happy..any event.. anyone. even if it was just me with a good book at home..is enough to make me happy..

but now? now everything is just so complicated..everything just seem to be pointless... i was out with the girls watching the night life of Kuala Lumpur...and all i could think about is getting home..i just wanted to go home..and i did, arrived at my father's place at 3.00am. washed my make-up, changed my clothes and jumped into bed...

and before i laid myself to sleep, i called someone whom i truly love...just to tell him i was okay..

and i fell asleep..hoping that today will be better...that my life would be okay..

i don't know how the day will end..

but rest assured that all i want to do...is just be with You..

lailahaillah...

Over and Over Again...

Bukan selalu, bukan sekali..

Not once…not at all…

Am I making sense? Not really, just ramblings of a female mind trying to find meaning to everyday life. It’s difficult to neither comprehend, nor accept the fact that it life is just unpredictable. Having to repeat the same things over and over again, and waiting for a different result each time. I find it stressful to wait for an answer to something that I’ve routinely repeated over and over again…

Over and over again…

But there is one thing that I’ve yet to find a chore to repeat. A routine that I willingly let myself venture into regardless of risks that may or may not arise. There is one thing that I don’t mind letting myself accept its unpredictability-ness..if there exist such a word…

The one thing that I don’t mind doing…over and over again…

Is falling in love…

And I will let myself fall in love as many times as life lets me…

Even if it means falling in love with the same person…

Over and over again…

siti

I’ve never had the experience of falling in love with the same person more than once. Usually it’s the initial attraction that leads me to love and later, the feeling just slowly lingers without purpose or meaning. With time, the feeling seems to spread out to another person..and then another…and then another..

I’ve heard of stories from others, especially elders who managed to maintain a marriage for many, many years. Some have been married for more than 20 years and are still happy with each other. I once asked them how they managed to be so happy in a marriage, and the answer was almost always the same...

they learned to love each other and each time they saw a new personality with their spouse, they learn to love it…

and ended up falling in love with it…

so for the years they were together, the fell in love with each other..over and over again…
I’ve always wanted to know how it feels like to fall in love with the same person…over and over again…

Alhamdullilah..now i know what it feels like :)

Bleeding

why should i care,
he didn't...
but i just can't bare,
the fact that she betrayed me,
a betrayel that lasts forever,
till my dying day,
a betrayel that i'll remember,
everytimee i pray,
my heart was shattered,
by a so-called friend,
my life was tortured,
by a stabbing wound from her hand.

Jazlin Hussin

Reborn

t has been so long,
since my beauty is missed,
my passion is lost,
but i will find it..i promise,
though it will take time,
for me to heal,
my heart needs to recharge,
and absorb all i feel,
from the past to the present,
new feelings were sealed,
but now the doors are open,
for me to see whats real,
from my journey of growth,
to experience life's entity,
as it cemented it's love in my soul,
only for my existance...for all eternity,

Jazlin Hussin

Faith

my destiny will appear,
on my lap today,
did i earned it all?
is this what i have to pay?
will it be what i wanted,
for so long...
will it? or will i be wrong?
i don't know the answers yet,
and a part of me refuse to know,
but i must take this chance,
if i don't, i won't grow,
i believe...
everything will turn out great,
whatever it may be,
because i don't just have faith in fate,
but because fate has faith in me...

Colors of Life..

blue is confidence the makes his heart start,
the same way his brother influences his heart,
red unleashes the devil he never knew he had,
it makes him aggresive;it makes him mad,
yellow makes him happy;it makes him bright,
guides his sight in the dark light,
purple is power for him to devour,
it's also devotion for his agile motions,
black is mysterious in everything he do,
not just for himself but for his fans too,
orange is different,
like he was born to be,
green is earth like the personality we see,
colours of life brings love to me,
not the love for obssession,
its not as it seemed,
it's the love for his beauty,
its the love for extreme..

Jazlin Hussin

Stay The Same

my life is who i am,
filled with my own beliefs,
for i believe that simplicity is devotion,
and complication is obsession,
as i see life through my own eyes,
and everytime i feel you inside,
please don't touch my thoughts,
this feeling i will not hide,
with hope of feeling you forever,
for your beauty i shall remember,
and my life will always see,
you as the same me forever...

Jazlin Hussin

Through My Eyes

Believe the unbelievable,
and you'll be released,
achieve the impossible,
your destiny's at ease,
love the emotionless,
and your patience will gain,
feel the fearless,
you will experience sweet pain,
hate the hateful,
you are just the same,
adore the adorable,
all you want is fame,
admire the beautiful,
you see what he see,
appreciate his beauty,
then you are me...

Will I Love Him For Him?

Will i like him...
if he's not in the public's eye?
will i watch him...
if he choose not to fly?
will i notice him...
if he didn't own what he owned?
will i look at him...
if his future was stoned?
will i be amazed of him...
if his soul isn't supreme?
will i respect him...
if he's not extreme?
will i adore him...
if he's not insane?
will i care for him...
if he's not in pain?
will i admire him...
if he lost his beauty?
but most importantly...i ask myself this,
will i love him...for who he truly is?

Finally...my honest truth...

It’s difficult to understand where you stand in the world. To realize your importance in the universe...and coming to terms that there are none. What I feel is too significant to reflect in words. It’s too deep for me to describe...it is just an intuitive response to the vibration that the world is sending to me.

Some may think that what I write and what I feel is insignificant in every way. No one should be thinking about a person's significance in the world. All us humans need to worry about is our significance in our own lives and the lives that are affected by us. I know I’m putting too much burden on shoulders that were never meant to carry such weight. But I just can't help myself....

I realize that my friends find me stubborn, unreliable sometimes, selfish, arrogant even righteous. I understand I may not be the best person to choose for a “happy” friendship but I know I am loyal. Never have I made negative comments about my friends behind their backs…and even if I did they would know about it. I am a person who speaks my mind and if I find something that I need to say out loud…I will.

I know I’m not perfect. I don’t follow the groove of others as easily as some people do. I’m not a person who can easily say yes to situations that I don’t agree with. And people hate me for that. Even my friends find it difficult to deal with that part of me. What I ask is not to agree with my opinions…just be honest with yours. I’ve went through too many ups and downs in my life to deal with dishonesty. It’s a crushing feeling that no one seems to understand…to find out that someone you truly trust and you’ve protect, go behind your back to “discuss” about you.

This is by far the loneliest moment in my life….

And that’s my honest truth…

All my life, history have always been an important element in my existance. I have always been facinated with history and how things became what they are now. I truly believe that the world that we see now came from the results of the past.

Our younger generation, the MTV generation as they call it, are unable to identify how significant their history are. It is as if they are oblivious of the bloodshed and heart-ache that our forefathers had to go through in order to see this generation (the generation that I see wandering the streets of Kuala Lumpur now) have some pride in living their lives.

Yet, I do not see a younger version of Malaysia that appreciates the hard work and the tears of our encestors. The ones who understand what it was like to fight for our country and see how she grew from an insignificant influence into a force that is resepected by all power that exist in the world today.

If we let a him rule our country like he ruled the 4th floor...he will lead our country into ruins. But then again, my interpretation of "ruins" differ from those whose soul have left their bodies to live in currencies....like him. Does he think that by running the 4th floor, he is able to run a country? Does he know that "balls" are inherited by nature?

i guess he doesn't... :)

While our forefathers faught for our freedom, others just watch with ease as benefits pour down their throats and digested into wealth, health and freedom!

Apparently they don't care...and apparently they don't remember....


so thank you KJ....for destroying my future...


Grace to All
JazlinHussin

Her Choice

everything is changing and she just can't see,
everything's changing and she's not me,
she's trying so hard it hurts her soul,
she's hurting so bad,
she's growing old,
she's beautiful and graceful like a butterfly,
aura of colors floats on by,
where ever she goes she spreads her love,
until the time came where she observes from above,
her rainbow blood drips with pain and fear,
and she prays to God to dry her tears,
before she sees her reflection again,
she hides her face behind dark hands,
she made her choice to just let go,
she made her choice.....
as her blood flows...


Grace to All
Jazlin Hussin
Copyright ©2008 JazlinHussin

Did you know?

Did you know,
The world is not fair because we see it that way?
Did you know,
That millions of people die everyday?
Did you know,
That money does not make us happy?
But the love that surrounds us lasts for eternity?
Did you know,
That beauty don't last forever?
Did you know,
That learning makes a person better?
Did you know,
That the world can survive without hate?
But today it is otherwise..
Will that be our fate?


Grace To All
JazlinHussin
Copyright ©2008 JazlinHussin