I Surrender...

i put myself in a sense of surrender. i don't know where i am and what am i suppose to represent in this world. i lost purpose a while back. not knowing what exactly that was lacking in my life...

i went through a great deal of pain in the past. Pain that i can't show or tell publicly. i have kept this dark secret all to myself..and the only other half of me who knows is God...

the reason i write such pain is not to gain sympathy from others, but to remind myself of what exactly that i need to do to...how to mend myself  and make me right again..

life broke me at an early age...and don't get me wrong. never have i blamed God for putting me in such a position. Never will i ever blame God for giving me the life that i have, regardless of how painful life can be. i use to think why is that other people can have what they want. Why is it some people can live with great joy..and be flawless and encouraging. I can never be encouraging..and i am not flawless..

i am not even close to being perfect. when i look in the mirror, i only see an ugly duckling waiting for the right moment to change to a beautiful swan. and i mean that on the inside as well on the outside. i try my best to believe that i am beautiful, as God as attended me to be...but every time i try to convince myself..i always fall short..i always disappoint myself. no matter how hard i try..i always end up failing...

i am a failure..

i know there's so many things in my life that i can be thankful for. i have a great family, although dysfunctional but they love me. i constantly argue with my mother about the little-lest things, but i adore her with all my heart. we don't really see each other eye to eye, we don't agree about most things...but my purpose in life is to take care of her. regardless of how difficult it will be on me.

as for my father, i love him dearly. he is my hero, the love of my life. No one can compare to what he has done fro me. every daughter in this world would be proud to have a father like him. he may not be the best husband but he is a great dad and i would do anything for him...

and my sister? yes she annoys me and yes...she is the apple of my mother's eye. although we don't see eye to eye as well, i try my best to just be a good sister. i don't really call her much or talk to her. i don't really tell her i love you to her as often as i should, but i do love her...in a sister-rival kind of way...

and then there are friends, who have a special place in my heart. they are what keeps me going everyday. knowing that i have people i can trust my soul with...is comforting. they make my life a hell of a lot easier to bare.

and i also have the man in my life whom i appreciate so much. i've always prayed for his existence, and regardless of how imperfect i am, God still gave him to me..i don't know where the relationship will go..or how it will end..i just know that i see a future with him..but that's not up to me to decide. I trust fate and I trust God. What ever He decides to give or take from me...is a decision i will accept..

i also have a great job that i just love doing...how many people in this world who can say that they have a job that they love? a hand full i suppose...maybe less..and there's also rainbows, butterflies, the wind and cloud..the blue sky and the clear ocean..beautiful beaches...wonderful people..poetry..cute little kittens..and so on...so many different things to be thankful for..and yet here i am...sitting here at my father's desk..

crying..

why? i don't know. i just know that my heart is weak and it just can't take anymore complications for the moment. i feel like i just want to leave everything and disappear. Disappear from the world and be invincible so that no one can find me and when they got tired of searching..they'll just stop looking for me. and when they do, i just want to watch from afar how their lives moves forward and how happy they are without me  in their lives...

last night i went to an event with my girlfriends at Jalan P-Ramlee. it was suppose to be a fun night, but somehow i just don't know how to have fun anymore.. i remembered back in the day where everything makes me happy..any event.. anyone. even if it was just me with a good book at home..is enough to make me happy..

but now? now everything is just so complicated..everything just seem to be pointless... i was out with the girls watching the night life of Kuala Lumpur...and all i could think about is getting home..i just wanted to go home..and i did, arrived at my father's place at 3.00am. washed my make-up, changed my clothes and jumped into bed...

and before i laid myself to sleep, i called someone whom i truly love...just to tell him i was okay..

and i fell asleep..hoping that today will be better...that my life would be okay..

i don't know how the day will end..

but rest assured that all i want to do...is just be with You..

lailahaillah...